the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
