This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
