and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
