I need to stop coming to work sober
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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