I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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