I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize