True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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