im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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