He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
