how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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