put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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