Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
