At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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