he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Houston, we have a squirter
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
