The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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