She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
