And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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