whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
