I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
