Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize