Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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