Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
