dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
