The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
