so let's talk penis.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
