I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
