the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
