I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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