Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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