I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
