i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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