True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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