I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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