dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
