Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How does one acquire holy water?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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