Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
not ubering you a puppy
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
