How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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