My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Pants are for mortals
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
