I heard we made out
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
