What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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