the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
