I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
