I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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