Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
