grandma shit on top of the toilet
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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