This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
