this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
