I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
