if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
