so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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