I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
