i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
