It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
