I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
