i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
