Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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