dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
