Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
