I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
