I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dick very happy bro
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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