you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
